Stand Alone Complex

Moving on...

2012-01-02T23:26:00.001+07:00

And my friend,
The time has come
For me to move on
From this place we called home

I still had long miles to go
Long, long miles to go yet

Remember me for what I am
All my mistakes, all my laugh
May you cherish what I've given
For that is all that I have

And now it's time to part
My friend, miss me not
Hold a candle for my return
But if I never do,
My friend, mourn me not

May you always be happy
And remain in good health
With my love,

Fare Thee Well.....

chaosbeowulf, 02 Jan 12

Challenge! Haiku for a week - Day 7, Final Day

2011-11-07T21:20:00.002+07:00

Last day of the challenge
Has the purpose been achieved?
Rejoice; the passion is rekindled!

Challenge! Haiku for a week - Day 6

2011-11-06T23:22:00.002+07:00

Bring me beyond the starry sky
Exploring the darkness of space
Leaving the confines of earth behind

Challenge! Haiku for a week - Day 5

2011-11-05T18:37:00.002+07:00

Anger and rage burns everything
Silenced hatred poisons from within
Feel nothing: Apathy is the way

Challenge! Haiku for a week - Day 4

2011-11-04T20:36:00.003+07:00

A pen unused far too long
An impatient friend with a challenge
May the pen be revived!

Challenge! Haiku for a week - Day 3

2011-11-03T19:31:00.000+07:00

Falling snow
Hot soup and warm blanket
Bliss.

Challenge! Haiku for a week - Day 2

2011-11-02T19:00:00.000+07:00

Sex for lust
Sex for love
One is fleeting; one is forever.

Counter Haiku!

2011-11-01T21:31:00.002+07:00

Forums and Message Boards
Egos and Anons Lurks
Like a Troll to a Flame

A counter to this.

Challenge: Haiku for a week - Day 1

2011-11-01T21:25:00.001+07:00

Waiting for a bus
A lesson on the inevitable
Patience and Apathy unites.

Random Rambling

2010-01-16T21:18:00.002+07:00

I like sweets, because my life is already too bitter.

An afternoon rambling under the midday moon...

2009-05-18T19:27:00.004+07:00

Where is here,
And when is now?

For yesterday was nothing but a dream,
And today is tomorrow's forgotten memories.

Does eternity have an end?
Or is that just another illusion?

I shall reside in between everything and nothing.
For there shall I find,
The real illusion,
and the most deceptive truth.

Myself.

chaosbeowulf, Jakarta, 13 May 2009, 00:56

Silent Words

2008-09-01T19:22:00.002+07:00

To even think
That words are no longer adequate

This thoughts and feelings
How can it be shared?

Wishing that you are here
To enjoy our silent gathering

At least, with your presence
I won't be alone anymore.

chaosbeowulf, 1 September 2008.

La Maison ~ A nostalgic beach house that was full of love, once

2007-11-22T19:46:00.000+07:00

A beach house somewhere on caribbean

You can faintly heard the sound of the waves

or something that sounds like waves

Nighttime, two people sit together, watching the full moon in its serenity

"I wish moments like this can stay forever."
"I hope not."
"Why?"
"So I can treasure this moments much more than something that will stay forever."
"Ah, but you will wish that it will stay forever. Somehow, I knew it."
"......You're probably right about that. Nope, you're completely right."
".....But let's treasure this moment, for you are right, too. It will end, and it will be much more treasured because it may perish someday."

Cue to present

Standing alone in the now empty house, a faint whisper can be heard:

"I wish those moments can last forever....."

Fini

Inspiration: "La Maison" by Gabin.

chaosbeowulf, 8:50 PM, 22 November 2007

Gotta hate those cloudy WEEKS.....

2007-11-17T12:24:00.001+07:00

When the morning chill woke me up
to the gloomy gray of the day
I mourn for the sunlight
whose warmth I can not embrace

chaosbeowulf, 17 November 2007, 1:28 PM.

Remembering how to Laugh

2007-08-21T22:12:00.000+07:00

A man with a heavy tread
With a somber expression
And a world-weary eyes
What goes on his mind?

Too bitter to smile,
Too weary to laugh.....
Is there anything left in the world
To live for?

Oh, how one forgot to laugh
When one possess the knowledge
Which strips the innocence
As useless naivete

And all of a sudden
Upon the face of a children
He might have found his answer

Full of laughter, they are
Free, unbidden, a beaming smile
Generously given to a weary stranger

As the man walks away
With a tiny smile of his own
And a rejuvenated eye
His face mirrored his thoughts

"Maybe I have to remember
How is it to laugh freely
So that I can remain humane
A little bit longer....."

chaosbeowulf, 21 August 2007

Temporal State of Being

2007-03-12T19:38:00.000+07:00

Nothing lasts forever, that's why I don't want to lose it
Nothing lasts forever, that's why I can treasure it
Nothing lasts forever, that's why there's no use to be emotionally attached to anything
Nothing lasts forever, that's why we have to enjoy what we have
Nothing lasts forever, that's why everything is meaningful and meaningless

We are temporal beings
What should we make of ourselves?
We will fade away one day
Do our self have any meaning?
What meaning should we grant to us?

I hate the last week at being home......

2007-01-21T22:32:00.000+07:00

Keep on walking

There was a journey
Where you know that you have to keep on moving
Forward, always forward
Never one to look back, or to linger behind

There was a journey
When you know that it's time to begin something new
And to leave behind everything in the past
Be it good times or bad times

Keep on walking
Keep on moving
Everything's only temporary
Even if they feel so sweet

Keep on walking
Keep on moving
But what is this feeling
That compels me to stay?

The day when you know
That this is it; it is time to move on
Didn't you feel that you haven't had enough?
That you want it to last a little longer?

The day when you know
That on the future, you will say more goodbyes
than you can ever imagine it to be
Do you have the strength to go on?

Keep on walking
Keep on moving
They're all behind you now
And they're cheering for you

Keep on walking
Keep on moving
It's all that they wanted you to do
To keep on forward, never look back

Don't you think that they knew?
That they will be here only for a little while longer?
That they want to see you stand up on your own?
That they may never see your again?

Go on walking
Go on moving
But never forget 'em
The one that push you forward

Go on walking
Go on moving
And all along the way
Take their hand and pull them forward!

A journey to the uncertain future is always a hard one
Those we love will never be with us forever
We will love, we will say goodbyes, and we will love again

But never shall we be lonely
For we will be always be loved

No matter whether we can see them or not
They shall always be with us
Forever and always, until all of us meet again.

A meeting of three friends, who happened to be poets.....

2007-01-16T23:54:00.000+07:00

Sky

The endless blue sky
Upon my window
The unlimited freedom
Where none shall return
Lost within the infinity

Dare I go there?
Forever free with no direction?

A heavy iron shackle
With its grim, cold chain
Welcome me to its warm embrace
A reassuring bond to the earth

But yearning, I will
A morbid curiousity
Torn in indecision

To fly unbound to the new world
Or to snuggle warmly at home,
Forever chained to comfort.

chaosbeowulf, 08 January 2007, @Texas Chicken Mal Taman Anggrek.
(with some modification from its original form. nothing much, though.)

Desire

2006-08-14T17:08:00.000+07:00

Not to be satisfied
But to be quenched

Not to be abruptly ended
But to be perpetually continued

Not to be released uncontrolled
But to be gently held

Not to be divine
But to be humane

For human beings we are
And thus, humanely we act

Chaosbeowulf, 14 August 2006

Penantian ~ A lame try to create an Indonesian language blog entry

2006-08-02T00:38:00.000+07:00

Berjalan
Tanpa tujuan
Melangkah
Tidak berarah

Dimana matahari tidak berseri
Dan aku hanya sendiri
Dilingkupi kubah kesunyian
Sebuah perjalanan tanpa nyanyian

Ah, sesekali angin berdesir
Berbisik tanpa bisa ditafsir
Merekalah kawan-kawanku
Melewati tanah ini, yang beku

Menikmati masa yang tak kunjung tiba
Disertai pandangan penuh iba
Oleh mereka yang mencinta
Oleh mereka yang turut menderita

Janganlah lagi menunggu
Lepaskanlah apa yang membelenggu
Berlarilah tanpa henti
Mereka telah lama menanti

by chaos_beowulf

Tired old man......

2006-05-14T22:13:00.000+07:00

Old Soul

An old soul
Trapped in a young body
Struggling for freedom
But what is a soul without a body?

Expecting instant maturation
Remembering past life
Continuing old life?
Afraid of the future?

A soul lead astray
In the intersection of age
Resignation of the elders,
or naivete of youths?

Ah, such choices!
Is there any compromise?

Savouring life by the seconds
Oblivious of the past or the future
Keep walking on, lad!
There is no such thing as time!

A case of inadequate translation~~~~

2006-05-14T20:42:00.000+07:00

Dingin Tak Tercatat

Dingin tak tercatat
pada termometer

Kota hanya basah

Angin sepanjang sungai
mengusir, tapi kita tetap saja

disana. Seakan-akan

gerimis raib
dan cahaya berenang

mempermainkan warna.

Tuhan, kenapa kita bisa
bahagia?

Goenawan Mohamad, 1971.

Unregistered Chill

Unregistered chill
on the thermometer

A drenched city

The wind along the river
extrudes, but we dwelled on

there. As if

the drizzle fades away
and the light were swimming,

playing with colours.

God, why can we attain
happiness?

chaosbeowulf, 2006.

Lost in translation ~~~~

2006-04-06T20:13:00.000+07:00

Expatriate
By Goenawan Mohamad

Akulah Adam dengan mulut yang sepi
Putra Surgawi
yang damai, terlalu damai
ketika bumi padaku melambai

Detik-detik bening
memutih tengah malam
ketika lembar-lembar asing
terlepas dari buku harian

Dan esoknya terbukalah gapura:
pagi tumbuh dalam kabut yang itu juga
dan aku pergi
dengan senyum usia yang sunyi

Langkah akan bergegas antara pohonan lenggang
bersama bayang-bayang unggas, bersama awan
Sementara arus hari
menyusup-nyusup indra ini

(Adakah yang lebih tak pasti
selain tanah-kelahiran
yang ditinggalkan pergi
anak tersayang)

The book's translation:

I am Adam of no word
Heaven's child
at peace, too at peace
when the earth beckons me

Moments translucent
turn white in the night
when foreign pages
slip from the diary

And tomorrow a gate will open:
morning rises from the very same mist
and I depart
with the silent chuckle of age

Feet hastening between sparse trees
in step with the shadow of birds, of clouds
While the course of the day
seeps into the senses

(Is there anything less certain
than a homeland
left behind by
a beloved son)

Chaosbeowulf's translation:

I am the silent Adam
A child of Heaven
Peaceful, too peaceful
When the earth hails me

Translucent moments
Whitening midnight
When foreign pages
Are detached from the diary

And the day after, the gate is opened:
Morning grows in its very mist
and I depart
with silent smile of ages

Rushed strides between sparse trees
Together with shadow of birds, and the clouds
While the course of the day
gently nudge the senses

(Is there anything more uncertain
than the land of birth
that was left behind
by the beloved child)

Comments, anyone? A practice of English now and then won't hurt me.....

Desperation

2006-03-27T21:55:00.000+07:00

In the brink of insanity
I try to reason with my conscience
For absurdity has dropped its mask
And the real face of the truth is ugly indeed

As if the world has fated to meet its doom
I try to flee away from the reality
But alas, how fast the grim reaper walk!
And I don't have any wings to fly with.....

Concealed deep within the womb of mother earth
My soul awaits its reborned vessel
Almighty Lord, I plead thee
Release me from the curse of the flesh!

Written 28 September 2004.

Oops, did I missed last night's update? >.<

2006-03-24T21:23:00.000+07:00

Stars

A little star
in the big black sky
So small and lonely,
but it's truly beautiful
when it's viewed from faraway.

There are so many stars out there
When one disappear,
Will anyone take notice?

Insignificant in larger picture,
But it is still important
For it is still a single entity.

If we happen to be the star,
What will we do?
When noone will notice our existence,
Let alone our thoughts and feelings?

At least, we're not alone
there are lonely little stars out there
who will give us their light
in our darkest time of life

Written 21 May 2004

Hand Palm

Lingering thoughts, awaits to be settled.
Hopes and fears for the futures,
who are we to know all of it?

Mysteries in life, awaits to be revealed,
With the steady movement of the hands of time.

It is unfortunate that human's patience is so thin,
that they cannot admire the beauty of something unbeknownst to them.

One can either
practice one's patience,
and employ it in such an extraordinary way,
that one can savour whatever the future holds,

OR
one can refer to one's palm,
and impatiently read whatever fate drawn
in the palm of one's hand.

Written 25 May 2004

Nighttime!

2006-03-22T20:14:00.000+07:00

Relaxing at Night

Sitting in a sofa
Sipping a hot cup of chocolate
Relaxing from the hectic days
Gathering the scattered mind
So that it won't be lost

The lights were dimmed
A jazzy tone were played
By a little radio in the corner
A movie from the day's experience
Were played inside the mind

"Ah, it's been quite hectic...
But well, it ends already.
Why bother?
Consider it as another beautiful day!"

Slowly, time passes by
Not long, it's well over midnight
The mind needs its rest
And the soul needs a stroll
Inside the quiet park of dream
Ah, be it a nice dream,
and not a nightmare!!!

Written on 19 February 2004

Memoires

2006-03-21T20:47:00.000+07:00

Standing there,
On the end of the line
watching all those memories
Our memories

It is not always sweet
Even it is bitter sometimes

What is bitter,
Will be forgiven within time
But it will never be forgotten
For the lessons imposed
Will always worth remembering

But what is sweet,
We will always remember it
With fondness and love
They will never fade away

Sometimes,
We may look like we have no future
Other times,
We may look like there is no tomorrow

Life is funny, isn't it?
It revolves in a circle
An unbroken circle, unless severed
But then,
For every single thing
That has been broken,
There will always be a chance
To repair it, isn't it?

The chance is in our hands
That, my friend, is what is worth remembering.

Written on 14 December 2003

My Friends

2006-03-20T19:28:00.000+07:00

Friends are like winds
They come and go
But their presence are felt
As long as we remember
How does it feel
To be touhed by the winds

Friends are like sun
They shine our life
But unfortunately
It is not going to be forever
Because the sun will set
But they will not be forgotten
For in the darkness
After the sun has set
We will still remember
The warmth of the sun

Friends are like raindrops
They fill the empty places
That was on the heart of the earth
Maybe they will dry out
But never, the earth
Will forget how does it feel
To be drenched by the grace
Of the rain of kindness.

My friends
Never do forget me
For I will never forget you
If we want to remember each other
If we want to meet each other
Just try to look at
the winds, the sun, and the rain
For I will be there for you
And you will be there for me

This poem is dedicated to all of my friends, both to those who have forgotten that I do exist, and for those who are my true friends.

Written on 6 November 2003

Violin

2006-03-19T17:50:00.000+07:00

A single violinist
Draws the bow
Over the string
Preparing for the first stroke

Entering the overture
The symphony of emotions
Of hearts and minds
Has begun

Under the spotlight
The lonely violin
Songs its story
The story of a journey

The journey for an identity
For principals and idealism
For one's existence
For one's place in the world

Throughout the encore
The lively violin
passionately songs
The story of romance

Searching for the love
That is to be found and lost
Waiting in the vain of eternity
Lost in the midst of virtue

Reaching the finale
The enigmatic violin
Mysteriously songs
The story of tomorrow

The hopes of the future
Clasped with bare hands
Praying for blessings
To face absolute uncertainty

Written on 22 October 2003.

Betraying my solitude

2006-03-18T21:02:00.000+07:00

Betraying my solitude
Returning from my exile
Breaking the chain
The prison of my freedom

Freedom to think
Freedom to feel
Freedom to lose
Freedom to fail

To think about others
To feel other's heart
To embrace each defeat
To learn from every failure

My thought will return
from its contemplation
My heart will return
from its grief
My body will return
from the virtue of the ashes

Everything will come together
The Three Elements...
They will be unified
All is integrated
By the soul

It is only then
A complete human will flourish

Reborned with Passion
Strengthened with Spirit
Encompassed with Determination
and baptised by Faith

Written on 9 October 2003.

Reluctant poet

2006-03-17T17:05:00.000+07:00

Shall I write again?
Do I have what is needed?
So that I can relish my feelings,
And turn it into words?

What was recently written,
was as premature as it can be.
A piece that was never meant to be,
but forcefully crafted,
only to satisfy some foolish virtuous reasons,
Deviating from its original path of creation.

Now that the conscience has been re-awakened,
will the essence of soul in the words
gonna be the same as before?

For any changes was currently not embraced,
for it will erode what still remains,
if there is any remnant to be worried about.

Written on 15/12/2004

Flap your wings, and fly away....

2006-03-03T21:23:00.000+07:00

Human Wings

A pair of wings
One; the white feathers of angels
Another; the white bones of devils
Attached to a single being:
Myself.

Partly human, and rightfully so
Because the form is human
Partly inhuman, dan rightfully so
Because the form is inhuman

Then what am I?

For the definition of what I am
Is beyond my power to define
What was seen, is what was perceived.
Am I to be persecuted, then?

Different beyond similarity
But only in matter of forms
How would one knows
What was in the heart and the mind?

An angel I am not;
Though I may resemble one
A devil I am not;
Though I may act like one

To be called human
Which one should be followed?
There are no absolutes found in humanity
Yet, why do they pursue it so?

To be absolute angel
Or to be absolute devil
Laughing mockingly, I reflect on myself:

I am a human
For a human have a pair of wings
One; with the white feathers of angels
Another; with the white bones of devils

For humans would need a pair of wings
And not only one, if they want to fly
To heaven or to hell?
At least I have my pair of wings.

Old Photograph

2006-02-23T22:10:00.000+07:00

Each moment in each event
There's always something to remember
Whether for good or bad
'tis bittersweet indeed

Something to smile about
Even after all these times
The joy from that distant past
Its echo still bring about a smile

Such are the good old times
Pleasant, warm memories that lingers
Just like an old photograph
That captures the sense of the moment

So then, let's make tomorrow better than today
So that in the times to come
We can remember our present days fondly
Just like we did with our past memories today

A stroke of breath

2006-02-07T04:26:00.000+07:00

A moment of respite
A temporary sigh of relief
One precious little moment of rest

Before the struggle is rekindled
Before the battle would be won, or lost

Beyond shame, beyond loss
Honour matters not,
For it can be easily cast off
Like the sand that was swept by the ocean

With a resolute mind
And a heart as deep as ocean
One last thrust of life to the future
With no regret left behind

Live your life well!
For life is but a fleeting moment
The brightest light from a candle
In the last moment

Be Human ~ In Search for a purpose

2006-01-20T01:52:00.000+07:00

Taken from http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/ghostshell/behuman.htm

Be Human

Tachikoma Song

Vocals: Scott Matthew
Music: Yoko Kanno

I analyze and I verify and I quantify enough
100 percentile no errors no miss
I synchronize and I specialize and I classify so much
Don't worry 'bout dreaming because I don't sleep --

I wish I could at least 30 percent
Maybe 50 for pleasure then skip all the rest

If I only was more human
I would count every single second the rest of my life
If I just could be more human
I'd have so many little babies and maybe a wife

I'd roll around in mud and have lots of fun then when I was done
Build bubblebath towers and swim in the tub
Sand Castles on the beach, frolick in the sea, get a broken knee
Be scared of the dark and I'd sing out of key

Curse when I lost a fight, kiss and reunite, scratch a spider's bite
Be happy with wrinkles I got when I smile
Pet kittens 'till they purred, maybe keep a bird, always keep my word
I'd cry at sad movies and laugh 'till it hurt

I'd buy a big bike, I'd ride by the lake
And I'd have lots of friends and I'd stay out too late

If I could just be more human
I would see every little thing with a gleam in my eye
If only I was more human
I'd embrace every single feeling that came in my life

Would I care and be forgiving?
Would I be sentimental and would I feel loneliness?

Would I doubt and have misgivings?
Would I cause someone sorrow too? Would I know what to do?

Will I cry when its all over?

When I die will I see Heaven?

Sometimes, I do envy people with purposes in their life. Watching their determination, that spirit that can withstand anything and everything.....If only I had a purpose in my life! Days after days fly away, with nothing amusing, or noticeable. Sometimes, I lost track of time, because each and everyday is the same, with little or no variation. Sleeping on odd hours, eating irregularly, sitting here in front of my laptop doing close to nothing. No motivation to do something, because I feel no sense of purpose on doing anything. What have I become? When one contemplates the answer, I think one can say that one have become less human. Unconvinced? Well, check out the lyrics of this song, then.

Human needs a purpose, and a sense of accomplishment that follows when the purpose is reached. Upon completion, they need to find a new purpose, and repeat, ad infinitum. When you think about it, it's kinda funny. To be a human, and to feel like human, we have to act like machines. Well, not that it's bad or something, it's just kinda.....absurd. Liberally quoting Goenawan Muhammad from one of his column that I like to read on Tempo (sigh.....miss that magazine for Goenawan Muhammad's column alone.....), the very essence of human is the absurdity itself. Human projects themselves through the most absurd and the most extreme of things, so that human would continue to feel. As we all know, human is very familiar with the concept of "numbness". For example, it is impossible to have a bone broken on the very same place, because the broken part of the bone usually is much stronger than the other part of the bone. So, since it is stronger etc. etc. etc., the "pain threshold", so to speak, would also be higher. The same degree of stimuli that usually stimulate a response, would lose its efficacy, and thus, the feeling of numbness. As human is a creature that need information and stimuli as much as they need the air to breathe, they need to increase the degree of stimuli, so that the stimuli would be able to "cross" the ever-increasing "numbness threshold". Well, to avoid myself of being accused as a masochist, try to change the word "pain" into something else. For example, taste of food, love, money, power.....that unquenchable thirst, that reflects the human fear of not being able to acquire enough stimuli to overcome the numbness threshold, and as such, stop himself of being human. Certainly, a human who can feel nothing cannot be called human, no?

The interesting question here is, can a person that have become "de-humanized", so to speak, become "humanized"? Well,theoretically, they can. Give them some sense of purpose, something completely "new" that they cannot help but turn their heads on the new direction/s. Instead of hammering the bone over and over, try to prick the skin, or poke the ear. Hopefully, then, they would know how does it feel to "feel" once again, and they become more humanized. For the ever-pessimistic, the question of what would happened if it is impossible for the human not to feel again, ever after, you may want to discuss that one with the ever-optimistic, who believes that they would find a way somehow. Hopefully, both of you would find a point where both of you would agree upon something.

To end this blog entry that was quite rarely updated, I do hope that I may find a purpose soon, or else, the purpose may find his/her/its way to me, which I greatly doubt. Anyway, please do enjoy this not-so-enjoyable-and-foul-humoured-mood blog entry, and the terrific anime lyrics of Be Human. For those who want to listen the song, I believe you know where to contact me. As for now, the decision is either to sleep, and let my body wake upon God-knows-what hour, and miss my first lab session of my module (oops, missed one already, stupid timetable!), or to stay up the night, going to morning classes, and going to my practical from 2-6 p.m. Life's all about tough choices, eh?

Chaosbeowulf

Need....update.....before....long..... ~A random rant

2005-11-24T18:11:00.000+07:00

Lamentations

Fare thee well, my friend
For I have fallen prey
To the most wretched of creatures
A creature, who shall go unnamed

From the brightest light it came
Nay, no nightmare can come from the dark!
With all its dazzles, it enraptures the heart
Prison it in its grip, not one to let go

Ah! To be free again!
'Twas but a pleasant dream of yesterday
Time.....is there such a thing as time?
Its moving hands mocking,
a sign of tranquil, eternal damnation!

'Twas a sad thing, indeed
to be prisoned within the body
A superficial glorious prison
Which harbours a rotten core!

All that glimmers is not gold,
all that glimmers strongly hold!
In darkness, truth would be found,
In the brightest despair, darkest hope would be found!

Ah! To be able to hope!
Treasure your darkness, beloved,
For it would save your soul
From the glittering lies of the world!

Now, now, give out some comments, will ya?

Wrote this piece in the midst of frustation of seemingly endless bad luck, which, in a matter of speaking, is the result of own doing. Oh well, just wanna have some rant about how the world is not even gray anymore, but instead, the definition of black and white is not even matching anymore. White is black, black is white......what the world is coming to? Well, just having some hope that in the midst of this chaos, one would still be able to judge and retain one's own place and equilibrium. Well, one can still choose to be the lesser chaos, just like being the eye of the storm (which is not stormy at all) in the midst of the raging storm. Off to slacking! One more paper!

Forgotten, but not lost

2005-09-13T01:22:00.000+07:00

The screaming whistle
of the departing train
Another snowy day in December
Another station to depart from

There is no turning back
What was left behind
Was all the time of the past
Every single second of it

Even though we want to stop
Even though we want to go faster or slower
We cannot change what was, is, and will be eternal
The steady state of the train of time

Well, I guess that for my new year's resolution, at this point of time, most were already achieved, even though it could be better. Moreover, what is important is that again, I guess I have evolved, although I don't know whether it is for the better or the worse. People change, but for some people like me, who are afraid of changes, it is one scary moment to be faced. Well, nobody like the first stage of changes, but obviously after a while, they will enjoy it. The train of time will stop to whichever station it wants to stop. It is up to us to buy all we need and want from that station, or grumbling about everything and lose the ability to move on. Hopefully I will not be a hypocrite, and with my current stage of lazyness, I will be able to do what I can.

Saturday, 1 May 2004

chaos_beowulf

This is a letter-to-self that I made during ICy 2nd's academic-year-end retreat. I just got it back recently, and there's quite a mixed feeling upon receiving it back. Well, to sum it all up, the feeling is nostalgic. During my years on uni, I have evolve, or forced to evolve, from an adolescent boy to a man. Many things are lost, and many things are gained. If I see what I am now, in the next 10 years, will I still feel the same thing I fell now? I think that's why I'm so afraid of changes, because in a way, I don't like the change in how everything feels. Well, guess that I'm still not mature enough to understand what "changes" means. God, I even hate changing from a boy to a man! How mature is that? I just hope that after I pass my teenage years (yes, I'm not 20 yet as of now), I still retain my current self, and add some more, without losing anything. (greedisgood, warcraft cheat any1?)

Pearls

2005-08-31T00:09:00.000+07:00

Now this, this is what I call a beautiful song!

PEARLS
Composer: Yoko Kanno
Singer: Ilaria Graziano

Tra le mie braccia fragili
Stringo il vuoto che sa di te
Respiro le tue parole che
Vivono in una melodia

E dolcemente suonerò

I luminosi tramonti riflessi nei
tuoi occhi languidi e grandi
le mie perle d’amore

in uno sguardo tu
sai donare un sorriso al mio volto che
ora ti cerca tra lacrime
che hanno formato l’oceano
in quale sento ritornerai da me

La pallida luna m’illumina
Mentre il vento mi parla di te
La danza del mare ti porterà
Sulle rive della realtà

E finalmente ti rivedrò

Ti trovi l’ombra dei sogni miei ma anche tu
Sussurri piano al mio orecchio
Perle d’amore

in uno sguardo tu
sai donare un sorriso al mio volto che
ora ti cerca le lacrime
che hanno formato l’oceano
nel quale sempre ritornerai da me

Translations:

Between my weak (fragile) arms
I hold (strongly) the void that reminds of you
I breath your words that
live in a melody

and I will sweetly play

the bright sunsets reflected in
your tender and big eyes
my pearl of love

In one look you
know how to give (donate) a smile to my face that
now is looking for you between (covered) by tears
that have made the ocean
in which I feel you will return to me

The pale moon is lightening me
meanwhile the wind is speaking of (about) you
the dance of the sea will bring you
on the shores of the reality

And finally I will see you again

You find the shadow of my dreams but you too (not sure this lane)
whispers gently to my ear
pearls of love

in one look you
know how to donate a smile to my face that
now is looking for you, the tears
that made the ocean
in which always you will come back to me

I took the lyrics and translation from somewhere, and I really want to give them some credits, but then, since I use this one for personal use, I don't think that they would mind. =P

C/B's Theme Song

2005-08-27T00:44:00.000+07:00

inner universe
vocal: Origa, words: Origa / Shanti Snyder, music: Yoko kanno

Ангелы и демоны кружили надо мной
Разбивали тернии и звёздные пути
Не знает счастья только тот,
Кто его зова понять не смог...

I am Calling Calling now, Spirits rise and falling
Собой остаться дольше...
Calling Calling, in the depth of longing
Собой остаться дольше...

Stand alone... Where was life when it had a meaning...
Stand alone... Nothing's real anymore and...

...Бесконечный бег...
Пока жива я могу стараться на лету не упасть,
Не разучиться мечтать...любить...
...Бесконечный бег...

Calling Calling, For the place of knowing
There's more that what can be linked
Calling Calling, Never will I look away
For what life has left for me
Yearning Yearning, for what's left of loving

Собой остаться дольше...
Calling Calling now, Spirits rise and falling
Собой остаться дольше...
Calling Calling, in the depth of longing
Собой остаться дольше...

Jelambar, Kavling Polri Blok D polos / 901

2005-08-10T02:06:00.000+07:00

And now, there will be no place to turn back to
For home, the original place that define the origin
Had been snatched away by the hands of time and fate

We are forever the eternal refugee
Seeking for place of warmth and comfort
A place called home, who provides such things
But losing the home where we are originated,
Where we first know of things such as warmth and comfort
Is as great a loss as the loss of a parent and a mentor

We are eternal refugee, and the eternal builder
For our lives are the lives of the cotton flower
We live there, with our root firmly attached
And when we have to leave, we would build a place
Where another root would firm another cotton flower

There will be other places where we can anchor ourselves to
But nothing would replace the place
Where we uncurled our little leaves, and blossom
Into cotton flowers, flying to build our own root

Dedicated to the old house of Jalan Hadiah Utama IA /901.
Sayonara.....

Heroes

2005-08-05T23:50:00.000+07:00

Where are the heroes today?
Those, whose fingers wrote down histories
Those, who were disillusioned of their act
Those, who understand the weight of the word, "sacrifice"

And no, there are no heroes born today
For borned heroes, would be adeptly persecuted and executed
By the very things they try to save and protect

"Don't try to be any hero!"
"Use your common sense!"
"What good is trying to be a hero?"

And as such, gone are the heroes

Even when they are needed the most,
Even when they are pleaded upon,
They would not come again.
They cannot come again.

For heroes, are just animated corpses
Which are resurrected, time and again
By the ungrateful, who cannot be satisfied
And kill those, who satisfy.

Journey to the not-so-west

2005-05-04T21:19:00.000+07:00

The journey to the northwest
To the foreign land
Not as a castaway, yet feeling like one
Not as a runaway, yet feeling like one

In the new promised land
Time moves no differently
The past on the old land
Forgotten with the passing of time

However, is it to be forgotten?
Shouldn't it be remembered instead?
With all the power of the mind?
For oneself is in one's past?

What is there to build for tomorrow,
If there is no foundation to build upon?
What is there for the newborn soul,
If there is nothing to return to?

Longing for companion,
But is companion, what one seeks for?
Longing for self-assurance,
But is self assurance, what one needs?

What lies in one's fate?
When will one stops questioning,
And follow the drifting raft,
Guided by the flow of nature?

Dancing under the vastness of the sky
Won't one feel as insignificant as one can be?
If one is insignificant,
Then will one worthy of questioning one's self?

Never seek the answer
For there are no answer
One's self is an answer
For an unknown question

C.B.I.

Notes: Now I just remember that my poem almost never have any title. I think that when I start giving title to my poem, I limit myself and the poem itself. When one has no title, one is free, and this is what I intend to be. For I am a ronin, who has forgotten the flow of the waves

Bwahahahaha.....the entry above is from my 1st blog, which I happily proclaim as being discontinued. And now, because of the piling boredom, anxiety, angst, and uncertainty, I just re-checked my old blogs, and I haven't post this one here. Oh well, due to the lagging update of this blog, it's better than nothing, right?

hm......I think this is what I wrote about when I have to remind myself that I have to have a will and a purpose to continue living decently; both things are lacking from my life, and one can say that one live only because that's what has to be done =P Sounds depressing and suicidal, I know, but, to be honest about our own feeling and fear is nothing bad, right? just being boldly honest here, mind you.....

Actually, it's quite funny. To live so that the purpose of your life, which is to try to find a purpose in the life to make life fuller, can be satisfied can be considered as quite absurd. Living without any purpose, any will, just live everyday like it should be, purposeless rituals, etc. Guess these are thoughts that sprouts like wild grasses when your mind is wandering where it should not be going (c'mon, one more final exam! stupid schedule!) With things the way they are now, I think this piece of poem serves my purpose right. There's going to be a lot of change next semester, and I don't know whether I'm ready or not, whether I'm going to like it or not, whether anything is going to change for the better or not. Hell, I feel like my life is being controlled by a big bad joker named Fate, and I don't have any control on my life. Sure, we share the control now and then, but strangely, I was comforted and yet angered by the dominant control of Fate.

By this line, I'm sure the readers of my blog is really really confused, and to save their minds, I decide to stop writing here. Hey, still got a lot of work to be done! Stop slacking and quit yer whining! =P

P.S.: just hope that next year, my internet connection at the new place will be at the same level, or even better, than my current one. If not, meh. Like my blog is always updated anyway. ;P

Heaven? God?

2005-04-20T21:38:00.000+07:00

"Heaven"

You don't need no friends
get back your faith again
you have the power to believe
another dissident
take back your evidence
it has no power to deceive

I'll believe it when I see it, for myself

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

I sit with them all night
everything they say is right
but in the morning they were wrong
I'll be right by your side
come hell or water high
down any road you choose to roam

I'll believe it when I see it for myself

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive, yeah

darling, I believe, Oh Lord
sometimes it's hard to breathe, Lord
at the bottom of the sea, yeah yeah

I'll believe it when I see it for myself

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset
I can see the sunset
I can see the sunset
I don't need no one
Ohhhh
I don't need no one
I don't need no one
I don't need no one
To tell me about heaven
I believe
I believe it, yeah

A really nice song. I like this one. It reflects my simple religious standpoint, if you want to call it that way. I do not know whether I am permitted to say that that was the end of my religious pilgrimage. One thing that was certain is that I always forgot the lessons that I got from the pilgrimage. Maybe because I did it in such an early age,where the mind is still in its turmoil. Well, let's try to recollect those memories, then.

For me, God is a being that can be far away there, with all of its greatness, way up there in heaven, that mortals like me cannot see Him. However, at the same time, He's right here with us, down here on earth, just like our shadow, following us wherever we go. Well, just like our shadow, we're so used to it, that only at certain times that we are aware of His presence.

Like what I said to one of my friends in her blog, but rephrased here: the presence of God is just like the light of a little candle, a very small one. It's always there, it's always lit, it's never going to die. however, the light of the small candle are almost always covered by things with brighter light; namely, our so-called state of happiness. Well, as economics, natural selection, or other things humanely possible would have it, when quantity is plentiful, quality will prevail. Thus, what we're taking notice of is the brighter light, and never the light of the small candle. And, as you can guess, when the bright light is in short supply, when we all feel gloomy and we're just like in the dark valley of hell, the constant light is there, suddenly something so precious that it becomes really magnificent. That small light suddenly become the center of our life. Really, for some people, that encounter is nothing short of miraculous. Even though it is so simple, so blatantly obvious, and there's nothing miraculous about it. It's just that we always take it for granted, that when we lost it, we just realize what we lost.

What's next? Trying to hold our precious dearly? Won't work, I tell you. When we hold something so dearly, we also release other things that was not dearly for us at that time. Talking about human greed here. So, you ask, what should we hold dear, then? For the philosophical me, I think my answer will be, embrace the nothingness, then. When you embrace the nothingness, you'll realize the miniscule of your existance in the midst of everything. It's just like we're being reborn, having nothing, naked in front of this big big world, and we're being scared to hell because we know nothing, have nothing, in control of nothing, all silent, ignoring us. But then, what you have to realize is this thing: when you're feeling that you're nothing, it's because you've become one with everything, and what you see, feel, and perceive are the magnamity of "everything" that you become overwhelmed by it, and humanely thought, "this is nothingness."

I think the same way applies with embracing God. All the same feeling, all the same experience.....Well, don't ask me whether such things are true are not, I don't even know. Besides, it will be foolish for us to hold something, isn't it? Whether it be truth, mask, good, evil, or other things that can be used to classify things into categories. Really, we're trying to be something, when we're actually nothing. It's impossible, but this impossibility would never make us desperate, lose all hope, or depressing things like that. Just learn about your place and your existance, and live with it. Enjoy your life.

Oyasumi.

A little thought in a little world.....

2005-03-18T00:29:00.000+07:00

Sebuah pikiran kecil di tengah dunia yang mungil.....

Di dunia yang kecil ini, terkadang kita berpikir, apakah makna orang lain bagi kita? Apakah makna dari seorang teman, sahabat, kekasih, orang tua, adik, kakak, dan posisi-posisi sosial lainnya yang ditentukan berdasarkan hubungan antar sesama manusia? Ada berbagai pendekatan yang bisa dipakai untuk menyikapi hubungan-hubungan seperti ini. Ada yang menanggapi bahwa hubungan antar sesama manusia itu pada dasarnya adalah suatu hubungan yang "diusahakan" untuk saling menguntungkan satu sama lain. Dengan kata lain, jika ada satu atau lebih pihak yang dirugikan, kemungkinan besar hubungan itu akan retak, atau lebih parahnya lagi, hancur. Sehingga, timbul pertanyaan: serapuh itukah hubungan antar sesama manusia?

Jika ditelaah lebih lanjut, jelas sekali jawabannya bahwa manusia, dan hubungan antar sesama manusia, tidak serapuh itu. Bahkan, bisa dikatakan bahwa relasi antar individu itu jauh sekali adanya dari definisi "rapuh". Hubungan antar sesama manusia tidak selalu berdasarkan atas prinsip untung rugi. Seringkali, justru prinsip untung rugi ini seringkali dilanggar oleh para manusia yang bersikukuh bahwa prinsip untung rugi tersebut adalah satu-satunya prinsip dasar manusia, terutama manusia di dunia modern ini. Banyak sekali orang-orang yang dengan sukarela dan bersenang hati mengambil posisi "rugi" dalam hubungan tersebut. Yang menarik, dan sedikit ironis, adalah kesukarelaan orang-orang tersebut sering sekali diragukan oleh para manusia, yang sifat pesimistis dan tidak mudah percayanya sudah melegenda.

Para manusia itu ibarat investor, selalu berusaha hati-hati untuk tidak rugi, dan keuntungan adalah hasil yang wajib diperoleh. Ketika dia mengalami kerugian, dia tidak akan rela untuk jatuh ke lubang yang sama untuk kedua kalinya, karena dia jelas tidak mau dicap sebagai keledai. Dengan orientasi arah yang benar-benar terbatas, manusia hanya bisa melihat dirinya sendiri (itu saja tidak dengan jelas) dan satu loncatan batu setapak yang sudah ada di depannya. Yang mereka tahu hanyalah, ini adalah jalan yang harus saya lalui. Ada beberapa manusia yang merasa bangga, karena mereka bisa melihat sedikit lebih jauh, dan menjadi tahu bahwa mereka tengah berjalan di sebuah jalur yang banyak dilewati orang. Karena manusia juga mempunyai sifat tidak mau kalah dari manusia yang lainnya, dan selalu ingin merasakan bahwa dirinya berbeda dari orang lain (supaya dia bisa benar-benar yakin akan identitas dan eksistensi dirinya), mereka pun mengambil jalan setapak lain yang jarang dilalui. Akan tetapi, apakah mereka tahu, kemanakah jalan setapak yang jarang dilalui itu akan membawa mereka? "Banyak jalan menuju Roma," ucap banyak orang. Yang berarti, masih ada kemungkinan bahwa jalan yang jarang dilalui tersebut ternyata mempunyai tujuan yang sama dengan jalan yang biasa dilalui manusia lainnya. Jika dipikirkan kembali, bukankah ini sesuatu yang cukup absurd, dan menimbulkan senyum geli? Jika hal tersebut tidak menimbulkan senyum geli di wajah anda, saya tidak tahu lagi bagaimana cara membuat anda tertawa.

Singapura, Maret 2005.

Homo homini lupus

2005-03-12T22:39:00.000+07:00

Be Human

A journey into thousands of minds
None are alike, yet all are similar
Searching for a valuable lesson
Amidst the cluttering of informations

A lesson about "humanity"

What does it mean to be "human"?
Is it to think like "human" do?
Is it to feel like "human" do?
Is it to act "humanly"?

The drifts of countless minutes and seconds
In pursue of perfection and total freedom,
Abandoning the fundamental design of "human"
Imperfections and limitations

When the initial design has been far surpassed
A design called "human", which comes together with "humanity"
Are "humans" still "humans"?
What will be the fate of "humanity"?

For truly, what does it mean to be "human"?
What is "humanity" for "human"?
Are we "human"?
Do we have "humanity"?

Dedicated to the Ghost in the Shell Anime, and all of its soundtrack. Title of the poem was taken from one of the Ghost in the Shell album's title, "Be Human."

Even Forever Comes to An End......

2005-02-24T21:57:00.000+07:00

Movements of Time

When eternity comes to an end,
Is that the end of time?

When the brittle substance of time,
Frozen in its being,
Starts to collapse,
Will it thaws into a flowing current?
Or will it be shattered as frozen pieces?

The tramps of beings
Taken for granted,
Betrayed from its majestic traits.
As dethroned as it is,
It reigns without a crown.
Who will deny such grandeur?

The time when forever comes to an end
Is not when time comes to an end
It is going to be the time
When it is not the time anymore.

The title of this entry was taken from quote from Chrono Trigger, my personal favourite RPG game. I had this game on 1995, when it came out on SNES. It's a classsic game, and it has a neverending feeling to it. Well, this one poem is dedicated to the game Chrono Trigger itself, and to Time as well.

Anger Management

2005-02-20T01:51:00.000+07:00

Anger Management

When the poison of anger
Resides in the heart,
What antidote is powerful enough
To cure the disease within?

To keep the poison alone
Will break other's hearts
To vent the anger outside
will breed more seeds of hatred
To release it as tears of sadness
Will extinguish someone's light of happines

What should be done?
How will one able to purify the heart,
so scourged it is,
by the poison of hatred?

Release Thy from Thy agony, dear one...
And Thy shall fly to paradise with Thou

Another one of my poetry, and by the time I write this entry, some surprising people had read my blog, those that I never suspect. Hehehehe.....oh well, just to let you know that any people can freely left their comments here on my blog, so if you want to say something, just left a comment there, ok?

Now, about this piece.....I wrote this one when I was quite angry, I forgot why, and as always, I was fond of putting what I thought and feel at that time to some writing, as I used to be (not now, though). I made some modifications here, compared with the original one, because I felt that some grammars and vocabs is mismatched. Well, just to remind everyone here who read my poetry, that all of my poetry can be said as pieces of my "frozen" memory that I turn into something, so that I might be reminded of it. Well, currently, there's nothing worthy of remembering, so I don't write again, but when I got something, I'll try to write it and share some (not all, of course!) of it to you guys. ahahahaha....now....Gutten Nacht! Oyasumi Nasai!

Valentine day, and still alone as usual....

2005-02-14T20:50:00.000+07:00

Someone Out There

Sitting alone under the full moon, waiting
Will you come?

The night is too perfect to be spent
only with the company of a fine bottle of wine

My mind starts to wander...

A faint trace of your perfume lingers in the air.

And I sighed.

Although I don't know who you are,your presence there is more than enough to keep me accompanied.

Even though you are merely an image that comes from the most perfect of dreams, I will not stop hoping and praying, until your very presence here, is something that I can hold dearly.

Dedicated for the one out there.....

Hahahahaha.....another one of my old poem.......guess that this one comes from the imagination of a lonely man who had too much free time in his hand, and nothing to think about. So.....for all those jomblos out there......let's enjoy our lonely valentine, and just hope that next time will be better.

Wandering Traveller, Indonesian Version

2005-02-06T00:31:00.000+07:00

Wandering Traveller

I live by the rules of the wind
To breath the air
is to fell my presence
The Sky is my roof,
And the earth is my walking path.

The First crystal of the snow
Will bring me home
To the warmth of the neverending sun

Whenever the symphony of solitude is played,
I will be there.
I am not going to fade away
Not until the tunes of requiem
And the Crying Sky
Accompany me in the journey
A journey of pilgrimage
As a wandering soul.

OK......sorry for the sluggy update, been reading too much manga lately.....and suspending some essays and stuff.....gonna work it tomorrow, I swear!!! >XD

And here it is, the original wandering traveller that I made for one friend that I never met, and probably will never be. We met each other through some prank sms that she sent to my phone accidentally (she was bored at that time, and she sms me at 7 o'clock in a sunday morning), and the rest is history. Quite a friendship, we contacted each other through sms, two lonely souls that need some warmth, but both were unsure about what would happen next. This happened during the period of February/March 2003, until my departure to Singapore, July 2003. I wrote this piece of poetry the night before my departure to Singapore. BTW, we contacted with each other only during the night, because only at night that I was "secure" in my room. Ever since I was in Singapore, I never contacted her anymore. Well, I contacted her via sms again during my first time going back to Indonesia after my first sem, and during that time, I asked for this piece to be sent to me, coz I lost the original one. I never held my hope high, but guess what? She still collected all of my poetry that I sent to her. The period of March 2003 until July 2003 was the period when I was actively writing poetry, something that I think can never be achieved again. And most of the time, she was the first person I sent my poetry to. We share so much, even though we never met each other. I was talking about my highschool crush to her, and she was talking about her ex-boyfriend problems. Both of us are desperate with our love life, and I knew, at that time, that time will change our relationship. And it happened. She confessed to me. I was prepared for the confession, yet, I was unprepared for what to do. I asked her to be friends only, because we had quite a different background (in religion, but not in hometown, since her university is in my father's hometown). And her friends (yes, some of them followed her pranks =.=) told me that whenever she received my sms, she's so happy that they saw her as being "lovestruck", and encourage me to "upgrade" my relationship with her. But then, at that time, I can say that my emotional condition is in one of its most unstable condition. And I cannot think clearly about what will happen next. The funny thing is, after that "memorable event", we still continue our conversation, like nothing had happened between us. I enjoyed my friendship with her very much.

When I come back to Indonesia @July 2004, we found ourselves changed. We are not our old self, and it makes me scared to restart our long lost contact. And thus, I broke our usual sms contact. Singapore has changed me so much, that I barely recognized my old self anymore. Well, being older than me by roughly one year, she stayed the same, but yet, my feelings are changed. I'm no longer my old self, and I'm a total mess at that time (well, it's not like the mess has been fully repaired till now). I broke our contact, and I feel nothing.

Yet, when I open my poetry folder, and read my poetry that I has stored there, I encounter my old feelings, and so on. This poetry reminds me about one of my most precious treasure that I have thrown away like it was nothing, and now, just like everyone, I was terribly sorry for what I did, yet I couldn't change it. I bet she will still feel happy if I contact her right here, right now, yet, I feel that I have wronged her greatly, and I cannot face her anymore. Yes, I am a coward sometimes, and I admit that it was one of my lesser point.

And for one Widi Nugraheni, thanks for being a center for my life at the time when I need something to hold on to. I really enjoy our late night conversation (within my old room and my old handphone, how I miss those two), and one thing that I can tell you: this is one of my strongest poetry that I ever made (the other being the "Wandering Traveller, Singapore Version"), and this is the first, and probably the last, piece of poetry that I have written with so much of my feeling for someone else than myself. I'm terribly sorry for my attitude to you, and now, with my emotionless heart, I bid my farewell to you, forever. Goodbye, and Goodnight, Widi.

Wandering Travellers, Singapore version

2005-02-03T22:02:00.000+07:00

Wandering Travellers

I live by the rules of the winds
I will go wherever I will go
As long as my feet threads the Earth
And my gaze is fixed upon the Sky

I will never lost
In this world of virtue

If there is someone waiting for me
I will tell my story
Through the songs of the birds
And the symphony of the fallen leaves

And if I ever come home
It will be the day
Of the first snow
The day of the warmth
In the middle of the family.

hahahahaha....this one is actually the singaporean version of a piece I made in Indo, but I forgot about the wordings when I came to singapore. but thx to one of my friend (well, the one I give the original piece to), I was able to recover the Indonesian one. Thus, the two versions of Wandering Travellers.

This poetry was made because of my anxiety when I was going to singapore for my study. you can say that before going to singapore, I never go to foreign country, except, singapore, and that's only twice in my whole life before my uni life. :p

Singing in the rain.....

2005-02-02T21:02:00.000+07:00

Rains and Clouds

Walking beneath the rains
Trying to find the light
Through the cloudy mind of mine

Making sense of nonsense
Calming the chaos
That rages and aches

Salvos of questions
Bombarding the head
Which content's no longer there

Trying to be strong
Dragging the feet
To the final destination

With the final breath
All things undone
Will be concluded

In the end of the path
Rest awaits the body
Sleep into eternal peace

Ok.....I think I will post all of my poetry that rest within my poetry folder, and make it as a poetry rally until there's no more poetry left sitting in my folder. I started this one from 2 days ago, so.......enjoy.

Marriage Poetry

2005-02-01T19:58:00.000+07:00

The Journey to the Road

It is the day
We promise each other
To stand together
And walk our path together

It is from that day
We join our hearts and souls
Embracing each other
In moments of tears and laughters

Filling the special place
That was destined in each other's soul
Adding the missing pieces
That was eternally sought after

It is not going to be a smooth road
It is not going to be like a dream
It is not going to be that simple
It is not going to be that easy

But then, we have each other
We have each other to lend our shoulders
We have each other to lend our ears
We have each other to lend our hands
We have everything to share
Because from that day,
We are one.

Ok2, this is what I write when the certain someone that I mention earlier ask me to write a piece of poetry for one of her relatives' wedding celebration. It is sad that this piece was forgotten by both of us, and thus, is not delivered to the one it should be intended to. However, some people said that this one is real nice. LOL, I have the talent to be a charmer, yet, I enjoy being a common man.

Hope and Dreams

2005-01-31T18:54:00.000+07:00

Hope and Dreams

Trying to fly to the moon
When the feet are planted
to the ground

Halfway to the eternity of thoughts
When the body lives
in the world of virtue

Standing against
the rising tides of destiny
with mere strength of will

Humans
Small in their nature
Raised as the giants
Of the world

So grandeur,
yet so frail
Hardly soar from the ground
Only to fall
To the deepest abyss

There is no wings to fly with
Only dreams and hopes
to send them to fly away
Dreams are the wings
Hopes are the winds

One of the poetry that I made during my first sem in NUS. I have stopped writing ever since sem 2 begins. It's sem 4, and there's a doubt in my heart, whether I should start writing poetry again. After all, I have lost my "artistic heart", with which I spoke my minds, thougts, and heart with. Maybe I'll start writing again, when I'm in the mood of writing poetry, and not when I was obliged to write one.

On a related note, I think I can start posting some of my poetry here......Some that were never seen before, but by myself and one other person......

Heat, Fan, and Comfort

2005-01-17T00:55:00.000+07:00

As I lazing off
In the comfortable heat wave
The whirling of the fan
Accompany me as a background sound

Some jazzy tunes in both ears
And a good book to read about
What is unfavourable by many people
Were made heaven by self

A picture comes into mind
The image of elders, lazing off
In the same heat wave, but somewhere else
No doubt, enjoying the same weather

While one contemplates what has passed,
The other contemplates about what has to come
Just like the soothing wind of the summer
Away she comes, away she goes.

Usual moody thoughts accompanied by jazzy tunes

2005-01-14T16:23:00.000+07:00

Beauty is Within Us

Vocal: Scott Matthew
Words: Chris Mosdell
Music: Yoko Kanno

O mother dear
Look what you've done
To your forlorn and once beloved son
Why was I born at all?
O mother dear
I'm such a freak
A mutant man, a woman underneath
Why was I born at all?

It's you I blame for all the shame
This anguish and this aching
The mirror turned against the wall
Myself despised, forsaken
*You say, "Beauty is within us, your mother knows"
"There's a beauty that's within us, just like a rose"
You say, "Beauty is within us, so let it grow"
But it's grown so dark and ugly

O mother dear
I curse you so
For breathing life into your wretched son
Why were you born at all?
O mother dear
I love you so
O please forgive this anger in my soul
Without you I'm alone

It's me who's been eternally damned
Trapped inside this cage, a ruined man
All damaged and depraved

O mother dear
This misery
Has settled like a stain upon my skin
-a vast unspoken sin

And my mistake is much too late
But your mistake was trusting
That out of grief, a goodness comes
And love comes out of lusting

*repeat

You say, "Beauty is within us, your mother knows"
"There's a beauty that's within us, just like a rose"
You say, "Beauty is within us, so let it grow"
But it's grown so dark I can not see you anymore

"O beauty is within us, mother knows"
"O beauty is within us, like a rose"
"O beauty is within us, let it grow"
O mother dear, let me out of here!

quite a nice song, when you're being depressed....although the lyrics can be explosive and provoking for some, I quite like this song......the song mirrors the anguish, desperation, and longing that one usually experienced when one wants someone to pull themselves from a hellhole, because they have tried for so hard, that they have no energy left to climb the hole. It reminds us about the fragility of human soul, how it can break easier than how a glass will shatter....

Just finished reading Da Vinci Code. Quite interested on reading that book, since it's been mentioned by almost all people as being anti-christ. When it was mentioned by my visiting mother, my interest starts to spark along. It is quite rare that my mother said that I was not allowed to read one books, because I was deemed not mature enough to accept the concept that might be accentuated from the book.

She would be surprised.

In my journey of manga reading, it is not unusual for me to read one or more pieces of manga which is way more anti-christianity, and more shocking than those of Da Vinci Codes. It seems that for some people, christianity is something that was "imperfect", that is, full of deceit and other bad things unthinkable for the christianity. In the mangas, human is always the victor over gods and devils. Quite cocky for human, as ever. Human pride will be something that make them falls. What is interesting about the manga is that they depict gods and devils as humanly at heart as possible, discounting the deity characteristic of those gods and devils. There are usual moments of confusion, as the writer of the story will have it, upon differentiating between the good and the bad, the white and the black. Sometimes you just can't help but questioning yourself, what is good, and what is bad?

Good and bad, white and black. Truth and deceit, purity and desecration. Which one is which? Each one of them, if viewed in subjective manner, will be very biased (i.e. being subjective). But what if they can be viewed in objective manner? What will the view will be? Now, after some consideration, I decided that we, humans, will never be able to comment upon things in an objective manner. When humans try to be objective, they found themselves limited by theirselves, they can only simulate what they think others might think. Why is that so? Each human is unique in their own way, that is, there is no single condition that will be the same for each human to grow with, not to mention their basic personality to start with. Just like in a microbiology laboratorium, if the culture is conditioned differently, the microbes will also grow differently, the same goes to human.

So, as I might confuse any reader of this blog, what is the relation between the song, the book I read upon, the manga, and the sociology analysis (I presume I had done so for the paragraph above, pardon me, for I don't have any sociology lesson ever)? Upon search for truth, which every human is compelled to do at one point of their life or another, they have one emotional condition that appears in their heart: a despair that their so-called truth that they are searching and longing for, are quite withing their grasp, but the truth refuse to be seached and longed for. Humans will exhaust all means to grasp the truth for themselves (particular egocentricity of human, one may add), that they are confused. The despair, as one can see within the lyrics of the song, is quite a heavy burden. At that time, white is not white anymore, and black is not black anymore. Both are twisted into a new colour: grey. People often said that the world is not black, and it is not white either, but it is grey. Upon consideration, others might think that grey is not the sole truth, for there is no sole truth, as was depicted earlier with the black and white metaphor. Then, what is grey? Is it the truth grasped by most people, and claimed to be the one and only truth, or is it only the tip of the iceberg of deceit?

In conclusion of this lengthy essay (or blog, it is for the reader to decide), the writer come by one conclusion, which has been a personal quote for the writer ever since.

"There is nothing absolute, including this very own statement."

Good evening.

Quite an eventful christmas and new year....

2005-01-06T08:57:00.000+07:00

Whew.....suddenly I have an obligation to write on my blog. Ok, Christmas is over, and I'm quite stuffed with some new things in my room, notably my new mp3 player and my new digicam. The mp3 player was bought by my mom (indirectly) as a birthday present (over 1 month, but it's ok, coz it's the present that I want >:D). As for the digicam, I bought it with my birthday present money from 3 persons (my grandma from my father's side, and 2 of my aunts.) lolz....I never dreamt that I will have those 2 things. Yes, I have done some research a long time ago about what digicam and mp3 player I will buy if I can buy it, but it's not that serious. You can say that in fact, I'm not all that enthusiastic. But well, a digicam is still a digicam, an mp3 player is still an mp3 player, and happiness is still happiness.

Ah, one more thing that made my X-mas is even more beautiful compared with last year's extremely crappy X-mas. My CAP (GPA for some person) increased from 1.97 to 2.21. This means that I'm no longer in danger of being dropped out from the university. Well, actually, the grade can be better, but I'm quite thankful for C+ for one of my module and C for another one, considering that I never came to the lecture, and I only managed to learn the materials only the night before midterms and final exams. No D for this semester, which is the first one after 2 last semester. Dunno whether I can get to honours year, what with all my crappy results and so on. It seems to me that with my current direction, it is highly likely that I will never work as a researcher for life science (my major), since, quite shockingly, I find it as too limiting for my taste. My current interest is going back to things like history, psychology, etc. Maybe mathematics, if I'm not lazy enough to open back those books.

It is nice to know that slowly, I return to my old self, a personality that I have prepared long before to face adulthood, back when I'm still an ignorant adolescent that has the perception that the whole world is his, and he can do anything in this world at his own whim. I miss those times, especially at current times, since like what I have written somewhere on my short blogs, I have forgotten a lot of important things, and this is one of them. My 1.5 year in NUS has made my timid and inconfident, lazy as hell, unconcerned about myself, etc. It is not the perfect personality that I have visioned and crafted on my earlier stages of life (i.e. at secondary school and first half of high school). Just like water, I am currently on someone's glass, waiting to be drunk, and sorely misses the times when I'm still on the raging river that will goes to the calm sea.

4th Update

2004-12-20T16:57:00.000+07:00

Memoires

2004-12-15T17:32:00.000+07:00

Actually, I want to try to start writing poem again. It's been such a long time ago, that I forgot how to write. Well, Suddenly, tonight I want to write something about memories, but I'm facing a writer's block. So, I open my poetry folder in my laptop, and guess what I found there:

Memoires

Standing there,
On the end of the line
watching all those memories
Our memories

It is not always sweet
Even it is bitter sometimes

What is bitter,
Will be forgiven within time
But it will never be forgotten
For the lessons imposed
Will always worth remembering

But what is sweet,
We will always remember it
With fondness and love
They will never fade away

Sometimes,
We may look like we have no future
Other times,
We may look like there is no tomorrow

Life is funny, isn't it?
It revolves in a circle
An unbroken circle, unless severed
But then,
For every single thing
That has been broken,
There will always be a chance
To repair it, isn't it?

The chance is in our hands
That, my friend, is what is worth remembering.

I forgot when did I write this piece. But, oh well, there you go. Enjoy, and hopefully this poetry will have some special meaning for everyone who read this one.

Short, medium, and long term memory loss

2004-12-15T12:11:00.000+07:00

From the beginning of this semester, I feel like I'm starting to remember everything that happens throughout my life for 19 years. It is not that long, mind you, but after all those flashback, I DO notice one thing: my memory is currently working terribly bad. I mean, I'm known of having a good, if not sharp, memory, and I'm forgetting almost everything, ever since I come to Singapore. God knows that this might be the side effect of reading too many manga, playing too many games, not learning at all, barely socializing with people, etc. Basically, I guess I haven't stimulate my brain enough, that my memory seems to be seeping out of my brain. Well, at least I should be thankful that I have started to recollect some of them.

I just feel that it is kinda funny that I forgot those things. From my recollected memory, I remember that I wanted to treasure those memories. Or rather, I wanted to treasure the feelings that I felt at that time. For those reading these, it's not about love or anything, mind you. I guess, it's more like I'm searching pieces of myself through pieces of memories that I have lost. Somehow, when I think about it, the current "me" is very different from the past "me". Sure, people change, but people won't change in such a drastic manner that they forgot about their past.

Well, we can say that I'm a bit confused on my self-identity. It seems that the current "me" is just a mask that I used once upon a time ago. Just like those stories in the manga, I guess the mask has either replace my own face, or the mask has gain its own personality, and it replace my identity without me knowing it, until now. I just can't shake the feeling that what I have lost, are many, and they all are important for me. It is the feeling of those moments, that I miss the most. I just can hope that those pieces of memory will come back to me, slowly but surely.

My First posting

2004-12-06T13:57:00.000+07:00

First posting, 2nd blog. Never update the 1st blog, coz I'm too lazy to do so. Bwahahahahaha!!!! >:) Well, just know that one of my friends has her blog here, and the template kinda cool, so, what the heck, I'll give it a shot. Well, if anyone is reading this, then expect an irregular update, since I'm one hell of a lazy bastard.

Ok, for my 1st posting, what should I write? hm........

I'm quite inspired by my friend's blog. Her blog were made with quotes from books, etc. Those quotes are inspiring, indeed. But earlier, at the younger point in my life, maybe at grade 11 in my high school, I have decided: I'm quite sick of people quoting other's work. It's OK to quote them to a certain extent, especially if those quotes meant very much to you. (No offense to anybody reading this, esp. to the owner of the blog mentioned earlier m(___)m ). For once, when I'm still cocky enough in my high school, I decided that I want to make my own quotes, that I will use for myself only. Yep. Talking bout originality. But with the flow of time, with my unbelievable lazyness, I realize that I don't want to write them down. On some part, I feel kinda shy to myself if I ever going to read my own quotes, because I'm going to realize how hypocrite I am compared with my own ideals. But, on the other hand, some of my home-made quotes really does make sense to my own mind (and it is perfectly applicable), that it settles around.

Some of my home-made quotes:

- "There is nothing absolute, including this very statement." Anyone care to cipher this one?

- "A wilted rose is still a rose." I made this one prior to my own imagination over some raping matter. In real life, sometimes raped girls, or some pregnant pre-married teenagers are facing a hard time in this wretched society. Some said that they are not impure anymore, etc. etc. If you did take notice, another word for "losing virginity" is defloration. So what? Some of these gal are persecuted by the society, only for something like that (with exception to some sex-crazed b****). They are impure, they are the wilted flower, and they are the pariah of the society. Well, sometimes I'm quite angry over this alienation problem. Once upon a time, I notice something about flowers: even detached rose petals are sometimes called rose, incidentally. And then, click. "A detached rose petal, is still a rose." "A wilted rose, is still a rose." LOL, maybe it's funny to hear this one from a guy like me, but well, anybody is free for thinking anything, rite?

Hm....guess I have written more than what I intend to write......Well, this will mark my first post in this blog. Just pray that I will frequently update this blog, unlike my other blog. Ciao.