Tired old man......

Old Soul

An old soul
Trapped in a young body
Struggling for freedom
But what is a soul without a body?

Expecting instant maturation
Remembering past life
Continuing old life?
Afraid of the future?

A soul lead astray
In the intersection of age
Resignation of the elders,
or naivete of youths?

Ah, such choices!
Is there any compromise?

Savouring life by the seconds
Oblivious of the past or the future
Keep walking on, lad!
There is no such thing as time!

A case of inadequate translation~~~~

Dingin Tak Tercatat

Dingin tak tercatat
pada termometer

Kota hanya basah

Angin sepanjang sungai
mengusir, tapi kita tetap saja

disana. Seakan-akan

gerimis raib
dan cahaya berenang

mempermainkan warna.

Tuhan, kenapa kita bisa
bahagia?

Goenawan Mohamad, 1971.



Unregistered Chill

Unregistered chill
on the thermometer

A drenched city

The wind along the river
extrudes, but we dwelled on

there. As if

the drizzle fades away
and the light were swimming,

playing with colours.

God, why can we attain
happiness?


chaosbeowulf, 2006.

Lost in translation ~~~~

Expatriate
By Goenawan Mohamad

Akulah Adam dengan mulut yang sepi
Putra Surgawi
yang damai, terlalu damai
ketika bumi padaku melambai

Detik-detik bening
memutih tengah malam
ketika lembar-lembar asing
terlepas dari buku harian

Dan esoknya terbukalah gapura:
pagi tumbuh dalam kabut yang itu juga
dan aku pergi
dengan senyum usia yang sunyi

Langkah akan bergegas antara pohonan lenggang
bersama bayang-bayang unggas, bersama awan
Sementara arus hari
menyusup-nyusup indra ini

(Adakah yang lebih tak pasti
selain tanah-kelahiran
yang ditinggalkan pergi
anak tersayang)

The book's translation:

I am Adam of no word
Heaven's child
at peace, too at peace
when the earth beckons me

Moments translucent
turn white in the night
when foreign pages
slip from the diary

And tomorrow a gate will open:
morning rises from the very same mist
and I depart
with the silent chuckle of age

Feet hastening between sparse trees
in step with the shadow of birds, of clouds
While the course of the day
seeps into the senses

(Is there anything less certain
than a homeland
left behind by
a beloved son)

Chaosbeowulf's translation:

I am the silent Adam
A child of Heaven
Peaceful, too peaceful
When the earth hails me

Translucent moments
Whitening midnight
When foreign pages
Are detached from the diary

And the day after, the gate is opened:
Morning grows in its very mist
and I depart
with silent smile of ages

Rushed strides between sparse trees
Together with shadow of birds, and the clouds
While the course of the day
gently nudge the senses

(Is there anything more uncertain
than the land of birth
that was left behind
by the beloved child)


Comments, anyone? A practice of English now and then won't hurt me.....

Desperation

In the brink of insanity
I try to reason with my conscience
For absurdity has dropped its mask
And the real face of the truth is ugly indeed

As if the world has fated to meet its doom
I try to flee away from the reality
But alas, how fast the grim reaper walk!
And I don't have any wings to fly with.....

Concealed deep within the womb of mother earth
My soul awaits its reborned vessel
Almighty Lord, I plead thee
Release me from the curse of the flesh!


Written 28 September 2004.

Oops, did I missed last night's update? >.<

Stars

A little star
in the big black sky
So small and lonely,
but it's truly beautiful
when it's viewed from faraway.

There are so many stars out there
When one disappear,
Will anyone take notice?

Insignificant in larger picture,
But it is still important
For it is still a single entity.

If we happen to be the star,
What will we do?
When noone will notice our existence,
Let alone our thoughts and feelings?

At least, we're not alone
there are lonely little stars out there
who will give us their light
in our darkest time of life


Written 21 May 2004


Hand Palm

Lingering thoughts, awaits to be settled.
Hopes and fears for the futures,
who are we to know all of it?

Mysteries in life, awaits to be revealed,
With the steady movement of the hands of time.

It is unfortunate that human's patience is so thin,
that they cannot admire the beauty of something unbeknownst to them.


One can either
practice one's patience,
and employ it in such an extraordinary way,
that one can savour whatever the future holds,

OR
one can refer to one's palm,
and impatiently read whatever fate drawn
in the palm of one's hand.

Written 25 May 2004

Nighttime!

Relaxing at Night

Sitting in a sofa
Sipping a hot cup of chocolate
Relaxing from the hectic days
Gathering the scattered mind
So that it won't be lost

The lights were dimmed
A jazzy tone were played
By a little radio in the corner
A movie from the day's experience
Were played inside the mind

"Ah, it's been quite hectic...
But well, it ends already.
Why bother?
Consider it as another beautiful day!"

Slowly, time passes by
Not long, it's well over midnight
The mind needs its rest
And the soul needs a stroll
Inside the quiet park of dream
Ah, be it a nice dream,
and not a nightmare!!!


Written on 19 February 2004

Memoires

Standing there,
On the end of the line
watching all those memories
Our memories

It is not always sweet
Even it is bitter sometimes

What is bitter,
Will be forgiven within time
But it will never be forgotten
For the lessons imposed
Will always worth remembering

But what is sweet,
We will always remember it
With fondness and love
They will never fade away

Sometimes,
We may look like we have no future
Other times,
We may look like there is no tomorrow

Life is funny, isn't it?
It revolves in a circle
An unbroken circle, unless severed
But then,
For every single thing
That has been broken,
There will always be a chance
To repair it, isn't it?

The chance is in our hands
That, my friend, is what is worth remembering.


Written on 14 December 2003

My Friends

Friends are like winds
They come and go
But their presence are felt
As long as we remember
How does it feel
To be touhed by the winds

Friends are like sun
They shine our life
But unfortunately
It is not going to be forever
Because the sun will set
But they will not be forgotten
For in the darkness
After the sun has set
We will still remember
The warmth of the sun

Friends are like raindrops
They fill the empty places
That was on the heart of the earth
Maybe they will dry out
But never, the earth
Will forget how does it feel
To be drenched by the grace
Of the rain of kindness.

My friends
Never do forget me
For I will never forget you
If we want to remember each other
If we want to meet each other
Just try to look at
the winds, the sun, and the rain
For I will be there for you
And you will be there for me

This poem is dedicated to all of my friends, both to those who have forgotten that I do exist, and for those who are my true friends.



Written on 6 November 2003

Violin

A single violinist
Draws the bow
Over the string
Preparing for the first stroke

Entering the overture
The symphony of emotions
Of hearts and minds
Has begun

Under the spotlight
The lonely violin
Songs its story
The story of a journey

The journey for an identity
For principals and idealism
For one's existence
For one's place in the world

Throughout the encore
The lively violin
passionately songs
The story of romance

Searching for the love
That is to be found and lost
Waiting in the vain of eternity
Lost in the midst of virtue

Reaching the finale
The enigmatic violin
Mysteriously songs
The story of tomorrow

The hopes of the future
Clasped with bare hands
Praying for blessings
To face absolute uncertainty


Written on 22 October 2003.

Betraying my solitude

Betraying my solitude
Returning from my exile
Breaking the chain
The prison of my freedom

Freedom to think
Freedom to feel
Freedom to lose
Freedom to fail

To think about others
To feel other's heart
To embrace each defeat
To learn from every failure

My thought will return
from its contemplation
My heart will return
from its grief
My body will return
from the virtue of the ashes

Everything will come together
The Three Elements...
They will be unified
All is integrated
By the soul

It is only then
A complete human will flourish

Reborned with Passion
Strengthened with Spirit
Encompassed with Determination
and baptised by Faith


Written on 9 October 2003.

Reluctant poet

Shall I write again?
Do I have what is needed?
So that I can relish my feelings,
And turn it into words?

What was recently written,
was as premature as it can be.
A piece that was never meant to be,
but forcefully crafted,
only to satisfy some foolish virtuous reasons,
Deviating from its original path of creation.

Now that the conscience has been re-awakened,
will the essence of soul in the words
gonna be the same as before?

For any changes was currently not embraced,
for it will erode what still remains,
if there is any remnant to be worried about.


Written on 15/12/2004

Flap your wings, and fly away....

Human Wings

A pair of wings
One; the white feathers of angels
Another; the white bones of devils
Attached to a single being:
Myself.

Partly human, and rightfully so
Because the form is human
Partly inhuman, dan rightfully so
Because the form is inhuman

Then what am I?

For the definition of what I am
Is beyond my power to define
What was seen, is what was perceived.
Am I to be persecuted, then?

Different beyond similarity
But only in matter of forms
How would one knows
What was in the heart and the mind?

An angel I am not;
Though I may resemble one
A devil I am not;
Though I may act like one

To be called human
Which one should be followed?
There are no absolutes found in humanity
Yet, why do they pursue it so?

To be absolute angel
Or to be absolute devil
Laughing mockingly, I reflect on myself:

I am a human
For a human have a pair of wings
One; with the white feathers of angels
Another; with the white bones of devils

For humans would need a pair of wings
And not only one, if they want to fly
To heaven or to hell?
At least I have my pair of wings.

Old Photograph

Each moment in each event
There's always something to remember
Whether for good or bad
'tis bittersweet indeed

Something to smile about
Even after all these times
The joy from that distant past
Its echo still bring about a smile

Such are the good old times
Pleasant, warm memories that lingers
Just like an old photograph
That captures the sense of the moment

So then, let's make tomorrow better than today
So that in the times to come
We can remember our present days fondly
Just like we did with our past memories today

A stroke of breath

A moment of respite
A temporary sigh of relief
One precious little moment of rest

Before the struggle is rekindled
Before the battle would be won, or lost

Beyond shame, beyond loss
Honour matters not,
For it can be easily cast off
Like the sand that was swept by the ocean

With a resolute mind
And a heart as deep as ocean
One last thrust of life to the future
With no regret left behind

Live your life well!
For life is but a fleeting moment
The brightest light from a candle
In the last moment

Be Human ~ In Search for a purpose

Taken from http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/ghostshell/behuman.htm

Be Human

Tachikoma Song

Vocals: Scott Matthew
Music: Yoko Kanno


I analyze and I verify and I quantify enough
100 percentile no errors no miss
I synchronize and I specialize and I classify so much
Don't worry 'bout dreaming because I don't sleep --

I wish I could at least 30 percent
Maybe 50 for pleasure then skip all the rest

If I only was more human
I would count every single second the rest of my life
If I just could be more human
I'd have so many little babies and maybe a wife

I'd roll around in mud and have lots of fun then when I was done
Build bubblebath towers and swim in the tub
Sand Castles on the beach, frolick in the sea, get a broken knee
Be scared of the dark and I'd sing out of key

Curse when I lost a fight, kiss and reunite, scratch a spider's bite
Be happy with wrinkles I got when I smile
Pet kittens 'till they purred, maybe keep a bird, always keep my word
I'd cry at sad movies and laugh 'till it hurt

I'd buy a big bike, I'd ride by the lake
And I'd have lots of friends and I'd stay out too late

If I could just be more human
I would see every little thing with a gleam in my eye
If only I was more human
I'd embrace every single feeling that came in my life

Would I care and be forgiving?
Would I be sentimental and would I feel loneliness?

Would I doubt and have misgivings?
Would I cause someone sorrow too? Would I know what to do?

Will I cry when its all over?

When I die will I see Heaven?


Sometimes, I do envy people with purposes in their life. Watching their determination, that spirit that can withstand anything and everything.....If only I had a purpose in my life! Days after days fly away, with nothing amusing, or noticeable. Sometimes, I lost track of time, because each and everyday is the same, with little or no variation. Sleeping on odd hours, eating irregularly, sitting here in front of my laptop doing close to nothing. No motivation to do something, because I feel no sense of purpose on doing anything. What have I become? When one contemplates the answer, I think one can say that one have become less human. Unconvinced? Well, check out the lyrics of this song, then.

Human needs a purpose, and a sense of accomplishment that follows when the purpose is reached. Upon completion, they need to find a new purpose, and repeat, ad infinitum. When you think about it, it's kinda funny. To be a human, and to feel like human, we have to act like machines. Well, not that it's bad or something, it's just kinda.....absurd. Liberally quoting Goenawan Muhammad from one of his column that I like to read on Tempo (sigh.....miss that magazine for Goenawan Muhammad's column alone.....), the very essence of human is the absurdity itself. Human projects themselves through the most absurd and the most extreme of things, so that human would continue to feel. As we all know, human is very familiar with the concept of "numbness". For example, it is impossible to have a bone broken on the very same place, because the broken part of the bone usually is much stronger than the other part of the bone. So, since it is stronger etc. etc. etc., the "pain threshold", so to speak, would also be higher. The same degree of stimuli that usually stimulate a response, would lose its efficacy, and thus, the feeling of numbness. As human is a creature that need information and stimuli as much as they need the air to breathe, they need to increase the degree of stimuli, so that the stimuli would be able to "cross" the ever-increasing "numbness threshold". Well, to avoid myself of being accused as a masochist, try to change the word "pain" into something else. For example, taste of food, love, money, power.....that unquenchable thirst, that reflects the human fear of not being able to acquire enough stimuli to overcome the numbness threshold, and as such, stop himself of being human. Certainly, a human who can feel nothing cannot be called human, no?

The interesting question here is, can a person that have become "de-humanized", so to speak, become "humanized"? Well,theoretically, they can. Give them some sense of purpose, something completely "new" that they cannot help but turn their heads on the new direction/s. Instead of hammering the bone over and over, try to prick the skin, or poke the ear. Hopefully, then, they would know how does it feel to "feel" once again, and they become more humanized. For the ever-pessimistic, the question of what would happened if it is impossible for the human not to feel again, ever after, you may want to discuss that one with the ever-optimistic, who believes that they would find a way somehow. Hopefully, both of you would find a point where both of you would agree upon something.

To end this blog entry that was quite rarely updated, I do hope that I may find a purpose soon, or else, the purpose may find his/her/its way to me, which I greatly doubt. Anyway, please do enjoy this not-so-enjoyable-and-foul-humoured-mood blog entry, and the terrific anime lyrics of Be Human. For those who want to listen the song, I believe you know where to contact me. As for now, the decision is either to sleep, and let my body wake upon God-knows-what hour, and miss my first lab session of my module (oops, missed one already, stupid timetable!), or to stay up the night, going to morning classes, and going to my practical from 2-6 p.m. Life's all about tough choices, eh?


Chaosbeowulf

Need....update.....before....long..... ~A random rant

Lamentations

Fare thee well, my friend
For I have fallen prey
To the most wretched of creatures
A creature, who shall go unnamed

From the brightest light it came
Nay, no nightmare can come from the dark!
With all its dazzles, it enraptures the heart
Prison it in its grip, not one to let go

Ah! To be free again!
'Twas but a pleasant dream of yesterday
Time.....is there such a thing as time?
Its moving hands mocking,
a sign of tranquil, eternal damnation!

'Twas a sad thing, indeed
to be prisoned within the body
A superficial glorious prison
Which harbours a rotten core!

All that glimmers is not gold,
all that glimmers strongly hold!
In darkness, truth would be found,
In the brightest despair, darkest hope would be found!

Ah! To be able to hope!
Treasure your darkness, beloved,
For it would save your soul
From the glittering lies of the world!


Now, now, give out some comments, will ya?

Wrote this piece in the midst of frustation of seemingly endless bad luck, which, in a matter of speaking, is the result of own doing. Oh well, just wanna have some rant about how the world is not even gray anymore, but instead, the definition of black and white is not even matching anymore. White is black, black is white......what the world is coming to? Well, just having some hope that in the midst of this chaos, one would still be able to judge and retain one's own place and equilibrium. Well, one can still choose to be the lesser chaos, just like being the eye of the storm (which is not stormy at all) in the midst of the raging storm. Off to slacking! One more paper!

Forgotten, but not lost

The screaming whistle
of the departing train
Another snowy day in December
Another station to depart from

There is no turning back
What was left behind
Was all the time of the past
Every single second of it

Even though we want to stop
Even though we want to go faster or slower
We cannot change what was, is, and will be eternal
The steady state of the train of time

Well, I guess that for my new year's resolution, at this point of time, most were already achieved, even though it could be better. Moreover, what is important is that again, I guess I have evolved, although I don't know whether it is for the better or the worse. People change, but for some people like me, who are afraid of changes, it is one scary moment to be faced. Well, nobody like the first stage of changes, but obviously after a while, they will enjoy it. The train of time will stop to whichever station it wants to stop. It is up to us to buy all we need and want from that station, or grumbling about everything and lose the ability to move on. Hopefully I will not be a hypocrite, and with my current stage of lazyness, I will be able to do what I can.


Saturday, 1 May 2004


chaos_beowulf


This is a letter-to-self that I made during ICy 2nd's academic-year-end retreat. I just got it back recently, and there's quite a mixed feeling upon receiving it back. Well, to sum it all up, the feeling is nostalgic. During my years on uni, I have evolve, or forced to evolve, from an adolescent boy to a man. Many things are lost, and many things are gained. If I see what I am now, in the next 10 years, will I still feel the same thing I fell now? I think that's why I'm so afraid of changes, because in a way, I don't like the change in how everything feels. Well, guess that I'm still not mature enough to understand what "changes" means. God, I even hate changing from a boy to a man! How mature is that? I just hope that after I pass my teenage years (yes, I'm not 20 yet as of now), I still retain my current self, and add some more, without losing anything. (greedisgood, warcraft cheat any1?)

Pearls

Now this, this is what I call a beautiful song!

PEARLS
Composer: Yoko Kanno
Singer: Ilaria Graziano

Tra le mie braccia fragili
Stringo il vuoto che sa di te
Respiro le tue parole che
Vivono in una melodia

E dolcemente suonerò

I luminosi tramonti riflessi nei
tuoi occhi languidi e grandi
le mie perle d’amore

in uno sguardo tu
sai donare un sorriso al mio volto che
ora ti cerca tra lacrime
che hanno formato l’oceano
in quale sento ritornerai da me

La pallida luna m’illumina
Mentre il vento mi parla di te
La danza del mare ti porterà
Sulle rive della realtà

E finalmente ti rivedrò

Ti trovi l’ombra dei sogni miei ma anche tu
Sussurri piano al mio orecchio
Perle d’amore

in uno sguardo tu
sai donare un sorriso al mio volto che
ora ti cerca le lacrime
che hanno formato l’oceano
nel quale sempre ritornerai da me


Translations:

Between my weak (fragile) arms
I hold (strongly) the void that reminds of you
I breath your words that
live in a melody

and I will sweetly play

the bright sunsets reflected in
your tender and big eyes
my pearl of love

In one look you
know how to give (donate) a smile to my face that
now is looking for you between (covered) by tears
that have made the ocean
in which I feel you will return to me

The pale moon is lightening me
meanwhile the wind is speaking of (about) you
the dance of the sea will bring you
on the shores of the reality

And finally I will see you again

You find the shadow of my dreams but you too (not sure this lane)
whispers gently to my ear
pearls of love

in one look you
know how to donate a smile to my face that
now is looking for you, the tears
that made the ocean
in which always you will come back to me


I took the lyrics and translation from somewhere, and I really want to give them some credits, but then, since I use this one for personal use, I don't think that they would mind. =P

C/B's Theme Song

inner universe
vocal: Origa, words: Origa / Shanti Snyder, music: Yoko kanno

Ангелы и демоны кружили надо мной
Разбивали тернии и звёздные пути
Не знает счастья только тот,
Кто его зова понять не смог...

I am Calling Calling now, Spirits rise and falling
Собой остаться дольше...
Calling Calling, in the depth of longing
Собой остаться дольше...

Stand alone... Where was life when it had a meaning...
Stand alone... Nothing's real anymore and...

...Бесконечный бег...
Пока жива я могу стараться на лету не упасть,
Не разучиться мечтать...любить...
...Бесконечный бег...

Calling Calling, For the place of knowing
There's more that what can be linked
Calling Calling, Never will I look away
For what life has left for me
Yearning Yearning, for what's left of loving

Собой остаться дольше...
Calling Calling now, Spirits rise and falling
Собой остаться дольше...
Calling Calling, in the depth of longing
Собой остаться дольше...

Jelambar, Kavling Polri Blok D polos / 901

And now, there will be no place to turn back to
For home, the original place that define the origin
Had been snatched away by the hands of time and fate

We are forever the eternal refugee
Seeking for place of warmth and comfort
A place called home, who provides such things
But losing the home where we are originated,
Where we first know of things such as warmth and comfort
Is as great a loss as the loss of a parent and a mentor

We are eternal refugee, and the eternal builder
For our lives are the lives of the cotton flower
We live there, with our root firmly attached
And when we have to leave, we would build a place
Where another root would firm another cotton flower

There will be other places where we can anchor ourselves to
But nothing would replace the place
Where we uncurled our little leaves, and blossom
Into cotton flowers, flying to build our own root


Dedicated to the old house of Jalan Hadiah Utama IA /901.
Sayonara.....